I crawl into bed ready to go to sleep for the night. Laying there for a minute before I turn to my husband and ask, “can you feel when your body is going to sleep?” He looks at me a little unsure and I realize I didn’t quite explain myself. I have a bad habit of doing that. My thoughts seem to be nonstop and sometimes I just blurt out a comment not realizing that the other person is never along the ride of my thought process. The thing we were talking about 20 minutes ago hasn’t left my headspace. Instead, I continue to think of other possibilities or scenarios or something to add to or a question. And when one of those thoughts or comments or questions finally escapes my lips, I’m often met with a look of confusion like the one my husband just gave me.
I repeat, “can you feel your body going to sleep? Are you aware of it? Like does your body go to sleep before your mind or does your mind go to sleep first?” He thinks for a minute before answering, “I think my mind goes to sleep first. Sometimes I can feel my legs going to sleep, like when they twitch when I’m first falling asleep.” He’s talking about those hypnogogic jerks where your legs sort of jolt as you’re falling asleep.
I’m pondering his response, not sure if it’s what I wanted to hear or not. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy three years ago and I strongly believe I’ve had it my whole life. Sometimes I get thinking about the way I am and then I wonder if other people do “this” or “that” like me. My husband’s puzzled expression was not unwarranted. We hadn’t discussed anything of the sort, but as I laid in bed and my thoughts began to wander.
When you’re a kid you just assume everyone else does things the same way you do. I didn’t know any better. So when he returned the question I wasn’t sure how to explain my answer, as now I’ve realized this is not the normal way people are. I lay for a moment more, thinking how to describe the feeling which prompted my question in the first place.
I inhaled deeply before I explained that I can feel my body falling asleep. My mind is still awake and I can feel like my feet go to sleep first, then I feel my legs, and then my torso go to sleep, then my arms. It’s not the tingling feeling when you say ‘my leg is asleep’ but I feel them get very, very heavy and then I know they’re asleep because they’re not responsive to my brain. I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be paralyzed, but I imagine that’s somewhat the feeling I experience. Like I can lay there and my brain is telling my leg to move or my fingers to wiggle and the signal is lost or unresponsive. I would have to try a couple times and really focus before my fingers would respond. It would be just one finger first giving a slight curl from only the second knuckle to the tip. Slowly the other fingers would follow suit and then my palm down to my wrist.
I guess I always thought that was normal to feel your body going to sleep. Sometimes it makes me wonder though, how many other things about me have I thought was normal?
When I shared this with my writing small group we started talking about how this could be used as a metaphor. I continued with that train of thought after our meeting ended, thinking of different areas of my life that could be plugged into that metaphor. My faith, this world of social media, my mental health. Sometimes we become so disillusioned that we aren’t even aware that we are asleep to the reality. Do we realize the toll social media takes on our lives? Constantly comparing, mindlessly scrolling, subconsciously absorbing all the hidden messages of “you need to look like this” or “you need to live like that” or “make X amount of money.” You may not think it effects you but if you consistently see this [portrayed] happiness that doesn’t look like yours, you begin to wonder why. In what areas of your life are you asleep?
I ask myself: in what areas of my life am I asleep?
I want to be aware. I don’t want to be ignorant of my flaws and missteps. I don’t want to trudge through life clinging to superficial likes and continually waiting to be accepted by a society that I don’t accept!
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
It’s not easy, but I refuse to fall asleep to what’s important in my life.
Well, this started as me sharing part of my life and turned into a sermon.
Life is hard. Love always prevails. So let’s be kind to each other and strive to be the best versions of ourselves.
Be aware.
Be real.
Be honest.
And you will attract the most meaningful and important relationships in your life (the kind that won’t fit in those perfect little squares). The relationships that won't let you fall asleep (or if you do, they won't let you stay asleep). They will be the ones that will challenge you and push you to be better.